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This Is the Voice Simon & Schuster John Colapinto Год: 2021 Язык: english Файл: EPUB, 2.22 MB Ваши теги: 5.0 / 0

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The Practice of Mindful Yoga Leaping Hare Press Hannah Moss Год: 2018 Язык: english Файл: EPUB, 1.82 MB Ваши теги: 0 / 0

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Dedicated to the Black Lives Matter movement.

Special thanks to Eileen Mullan, Sarah Doughty, and the whole team at Adams Media for making this book happen. Thanks to my partner, Jess, and to my kids, Atticus, Oscar, and Tallulah.





Introduction


You may have heard the term “self-love” before, perhaps in the context of body image or pampering activities, but what does it truly mean to have self-love? At its core, self-love is an unconditional acceptance of and value for yourself—body, mind, and soul. Confidence in your decisions, appreciation for your strengths and weaknesses, and care for your physical and mental needs are all part of loving yourself.

Self-love is not something that shows up one day as an unchanging, constant companion through life, however. It is not something you are born with or without. Self-love is a journey, full of twists and turns, each day an opportunity to move one step forward through loving intention and practice. Of course, it can be difficult to know where to start: As a transgender person and published teacher in the healing practices of mindfulness and meditation, I understand there is so much that goes into loving yourself, from past experiences to the influences and relationships that surround us. So, how do you begin to weed through your own history and personal challenges to cultivate self-love? This book is here to help.

Self-Love offers over one hundred lessons, reflections, quotes, and activities to help you manifest and nurture true love for yourself. Gathered from numerous well-established dis; ciplines, including the Hindu and Buddhist traditions, as well as my own background that includes decades of professional experience regarding self-worth, the insights you will discover here are not single-purpose solutions intended to ease just one moment of self-doubt. You will go directly to the root of the problem, looking at the ways you think about and speak to yourself. By targeting the underlying obstacles that weigh on your self-esteem, you will heal past wounds and rewire the harmful behaviors that have kept you from self-love.

But, before you dive into the lessons and practices in this book, take some time to look through the opening part on the principles of self-love. Here you will explore what it means to have self-love and why it is a crucial part of a fulfilling life. Think of this as your own first step toward loving yourself. With it, you will be able to make the most of each insight and activity that follows. Your journey to a more confident, happier you begins now!





Part 1 UNDERSTANDING SELF-LOVE





Every day, you participate in the human condition, which carries with it a great deal of uncertainty about who you are and your place in the world. From an unexpected obstacle at work to difficulties within a friendship, opportunities for self-doubt and a diminished sense of your worth exist around every corner, but opportunities for self-love also exist at each of these turns. You can choose to fall to criticism and strife, or you can journey toward greater confidence and appreciation for the unique person you are. You can love yourself at your best and also love yourself when you are feeling less than wonderful. Self-love operates in all these changing circumstances; it is the anchor that allows you to weather life’s ups and downs and thrive in the best and worst conditions.

In this part, you will dive deeper into what it means to have self-love and why practicing self-love is so important. From resilience in the face of life’s challenges to stronger relationships with those around you, self-love is a key to unlocking your potential and expanding your world. Of course, for many, self-love can feel difficult, which is why this part explores methods for cultivating and maintaining love for yourself no matter where life takes you.





What Is Self-Love?


When you think about self-love, certain themes may come to mind, like accepting your body as it is or speaking to yourself kindly when life gets challenging. Maybe you think of self-care—loving activities to do for yourself to help clear out negative thoughts or feelings and recharge. Each of these is a part of self-love. Body acceptance, self-compassion, and intentional care for your physical and emotional health are all smaller pieces that make up how you see and feel about yourself. When you love yourself, you place your happiness in the highest regard. You value your thoughts and feelings and have confidence in your abilities. You accept and appreciate who you are, inside and out.





Why Should I Practice Self-Love?


You can find shelves and shelves of advice about solving this or that problem (making money, losing weight, finding a partner), but these pursuits fall short when you don’t have love for who you are as a person. Money, weight loss, and romance can help you feel good in the moment, but life is always in motion, and each of these factors can change from one instant to the next. The only thing you can be sure you will always have is yourself, so why not love who you are?

For many, a big part of the focus on making more money, losing a few pounds, or finding a partner is validation from others. Maybe you want to be recognized in your career and move up the ranks, or you want to make more money so you can purchase things that look nice and will be complimented by other people. It feels good to receive praise, and there’s nothing wrong with that! We are social beings, after all; it’s natural to want other people to think well of us. The problem comes when you are unable to rely on internal validation in the moments when those external compliments and rewards aren’t present. There may be days when a work project flops, a favorite pair of pants is a little snug, or you don’t have any spending money. In these moments, you will need a strong and dependable source of positivity and confidence in your life that will always be with you, no matter what is happening in your life. Self-love can be that powerful source. Feeling unconvinced? Just as there is no one quality that defines self-love, there is also no one benefit to loving yourself. A sense of self-love extends into every part of your life, from your ability to bounce back from unexpected challenges to your connections with those around you. We will explore the benefits of self-love more in the following sections.





Resilience


In 2011, University of Arizona psychologist David A. Sbarra studied a group of over one hundred people going through a divorce. Participants were scored using a standardized measure of several factors, including self-kindness (an important part of self-love that means treating yourself with understanding and forgiveness). The study found that those who scored higher in self-kindness tended to exhibit less emotional disturbance and adjusted better to the divorce. This is not to say they didn’t feel any pain from the experience, but they were better at not blaming themselves for things going wrong and did not get stuck in negative emotions as frequently as participants who scored lower in self-kindness. Sbarra also concluded that self-kindness is teachable and that teaching self-kindness could become an effective treatment for people going through a divorce.

Self-love also builds resilience in the day-to-day struggles we each face. In a collection of five different studies, Duke University psychologist Mark R. Leary found that people who scored highly in self-compassion tended to react less negatively to small stressors in everyday life, and that this same self-compassion had a “buffering” effect when imagining potential stressful social situations. These participants were able to accept their own contributions to negative events (procrastinating on a deadline, spending too much on dinner) without underestimating their ability to overcome these problems. Self-love provided a point of balance between the extremes of arrogance and self-deprecation.





Personal Growth


Self-love can help you navigate challenges, but can treating yourself kindly after a mistake lead to increased motivation to improve on the area or areas where this mistake may have originated? Juliana Breines (most recently of the University of Rhode Island) and Serena Chen of the University of California, Berkeley, wanted to answer this question. In a series of experiments designed to test how people feel about personal failings, as well as lackluster academic performance, Breines and Chen found that people who had self-love recognized their failings but were also motivated to improve upon their past performance. As Breines and Chen wrote, “[s]elf-compassion…provides a safe and nonjudgmental context to confront negative aspects of the self and strive to better them.”





Emotional Release


Research also shows that self-love can help you let go of harmful feelings such as anger and hurt. A study conducted at Moa Oasis in Israel asked participants suffering from clinical levels of anger to record loving messages to themselves in their own voices. They then played these messages back to themselves for two minutes every day over a period of twelve weeks. By the end of the twelve-week period, researchers observed a significant decrease in negative feelings, suggesting that self-love can be effective in reducing afflictive emotions.





Stronger Relationships


Self-love plays an important role in all your relationships, not just the one you have with yourself. Lacking self-love can mean lower expectations of your relationships and those close to you. You may overlook harmful behaviors in a romantic partner or friend, for example, or even consider that you might not deserve any better. You may also find it difficult to stick up for yourself in a relationship as self-doubt overshadows any confidence in your own opinions. When you have self-love, you seek healthy relationships that lift you up and you walk away from those that pull you down. You are also comfortable with being alone instead of looking to others for your own happiness or sense of security.





Why Does It Feel Difficult to Love Myself?


You may be thinking that self-love doesn’t come easily for you. Maybe self-criticisms sneak in whenever things feel challenging or doubting yourself seems like a natural part of the decisions you make throughout each day. These unkind thoughts have likely become automatic over time, and, like any established habit, their roots require intentional, regular effort to dig up so you can sow self-love in their place.

Of course, the challenges in self-love don’t just come from within. In today’s world of ever-advancing technology, you have more information accessible to you than ever before. In many ways it’s a blessing, helping you answer questions at the push of a button and keeping you in touch with friends and family, but it can also be a negative influence on your sense of self-worth. From advertisements promising younger skin and rapid weight loss to the carefully curated highlight reels on Instagram, it’s easy to fall into the comparison trap, measuring yourself against the perfectly edited photos of others and their exciting (or at least seemingly exciting) lives. The truth is that self-love is a journey: You don’t simply flip a switch and suddenly love and accept everything about yourself. Just as self-doubt and negative self-talk were cultivated over time and experience, it will take practice to rewire these habits into self-confidence and compassion toward yourself.

As you begin practicing self-love in the lessons throughout this book, it may feel strange at first—to speak positively about yourself, to look in the mirror and express love for what you see—but as you continue your journey with intention, self-love will eventually come more naturally. If ever you feel yourself losing motivation, remember that there are tried-and-true methods for self-love, methods around which the lessons in this book are built. The following sections will provide an overview of these methods. You are now on your way to a more confident, self-compassionate you!





How Do I Practice Self-Love?


The journey toward self-love involves effort on several different fronts: your mental state, your body, your connections with others, and your professional life. We will explore each of these elements of self-love, as well as general practices for nurturing them. The activities found in the lessons of Part 2 draw on these practices.





Self-Love and Your Mind


One of the most important parts of your journey revolves around your mental state. This is where self-doubt and unkind thoughts toward yourself are born. Practices in self-love replace this negative, judgmental thinking with positive, encouraging thoughts about yourself. Meditation is a great tool for clearing the mind of negativity and manifesting the mental state you desire. I recommend a regular meditation practice of at least twenty minutes a day. Simply acknowledging hurtful self-talk is also an easy place to start as these thoughts are often so immediate and automatic that you may not even realize how frequent and unkind they are until you begin to intentionally notice each one. Consider seeing a therapist for mental health issues as well. It’s important to reach out to others when you need a little help.





Self-Love and Your Body


Self-love also means taking care of your physical body and what is known as your “embodied mind.” This refers to the idea that the mind and the body are not opposed to one another but are part of one reality, feeding into one another. Good mental habits lead to good physical habits and vice versa. Caring for your embodied mind is an important way of showing love and respect for yourself. Over time, these acts of self-love will become more natural.

You can start nurturing self-love through physical care with easy, commonsense steps like getting physical exercise every day, cutting back on junk food, eating fresh fruits and vegetables, going to the doctor when you’re sick or injured, and keeping up with wellness visits.

To manifest self-love through the embodied mind, you will need to pay attention to your physical surroundings and be careful about your exposure to harmful influences. Advertising can be a powerful trigger for low self-esteem, so try spending less time browsing media that fosters unrealistic expectations, such as impossible beauty standards or displays of wealth. You might think about installing an ad blocker on your web browser as well and reading books instead of magazines.

Low self-esteem can also point to some form of deprivation in your life. You may take care of others to the detriment of your own health, for example. Treat yourself in a sustainable way by making a spending plan that includes special items for yourself. These could be anything from yoga classes to a regular manicure to a new outfit that amps up your confidence.





Self-Love and Your Working Life


A more overlooked aspect of self-love is your relationship with your work. A job that’s mindless can cultivate feelings of low self-worth as you aren’t working toward something you feel proud of. However, a job that is overly taxing can make you feel underappreciated. Eventually, believing that others don’t value you can lead to questions of whether your skills and time are actually worth appreciating.

Now is a good time to evaluate your attitude toward work. Think about what drew you to your career in the first place. Concentrate on the aspects of the job you love the most and channel your energies in that direction. If you’ve been in the same position for awhile, it may be time to consider professional development. Attend a training that will break open a new area of interest for you, either within the job you have or within a job you might want to pursue. To avoid feeling undervalued, ensure you are working reasonable hours and that the tasks you take on fall under your job description. If you can’t, it may be time to talk to your employer about a raise or promotion.





Work-Life Balance


Nurturing self-love in your professional life also means ensuring balance between work and your personal life. It’s hard to be happy if you are overworked and overtired, neglecting the personal hobbies and relationships that fill your emotional reserves. On the other hand, too much focus on your personal life makes it difficult to work effectively within a professional role and can be a detriment to the career aspirations that would have helped you feel fulfilled and empowered. Finding a balance that allows you to thrive in both aspects of your life cultivates a happiness that influences your view of the world and how you feel about yourself. At home, drawing a concrete line between work and personal hours can be one of the easiest ways to keep this balance and reconnect with your partner or family members. Try playing board games or doing puzzles together and sitting down collectively for dinner at least a few nights a week.





What Now?


You are taking the first steps toward a happier, more fulfilling life, inside and out, and that’s something to be proud of! As you work through the lessons and activities in this book, keep two things in mind. First, this is a day-by-day journey. Each day brings new opportunities and challenges, and taking small steps regularly will help you navigate your journey to self-love without becoming overwhelmed. Second, this is also a long-term journey. There will likely be ups and downs as you practice loving yourself and explore the thoughts and feelings that have weighed on your self-esteem over the years, but you will also be building a foundation of self-love that can carry you through these ebbs and flows.





The Self-Love Pledge


To provide additional help on your journey, the following is a special pledge you can say each day to remind yourself of your dedication to discovering all the wonderful things that make you worth loving. Use it as a template and alter as needed to fit your personal goals in self-love:

Each day I commit myself to loving and respecting who I am. I care for myself—mentally, spiritually, and physically—so I can be present in my life and with everyone in it. I dedicate myself to finding and exploring my own nature and expressing myself in the world. I recognize that my personal good intersects with the good all around me. In thinking, acting, and feeling, I align all my priorities with my personal growth.



Consider writing this pledge on a separate piece of paper and storing it in this book or posting it in your home in a place where you’ll see it regularly, such as the bathroom mirror. Begin and end each day by reciting it.





Getting Started


Now that you’ve explored the ins and outs of self-love and what makes it so important to a happy, fulfilling life, it’s time to dive into the lessons, reflections, quotes, and activities that will help you cultivate and maintain self-love through whatever life throws your way. Devote yourself to reading the following pages with an open mind and an open heart: You deserve the effort! It’s time to love yourself for the unique person you are, both inside and out.





Part 2 PRACTICING SELF-LOVE





You have reflected on what it really means to love yourself and how it applies to the different parts of your life. You have seen how your inner feelings about yourself affect your health and success, and how you respond to the unexpected. Of course, understanding what it means to have self-love and why it is important is just the beginning of your journey. It will take practice to break down your own barriers in loving yourself and truly accept and appreciate who you are.

This part includes over one hundred lessons, reflections, activities, and inspirational quotes to help you banish self-doubt and recognize all the wonderful, unique things that make you worth loving. Since some activities involve reflective writing, it might be a good idea to keep a designated notebook for these exercises, as well as to jot down any additional insights you have. Have fun with these exercises and personalize them however you like. Underline things that stand out to you most, bookmark activities and lessons you want to return to later or share with someone else, and remember that, as in any journey, the experiences and growth you manifest in self-love come down to the effort you put in. You are worth each and every step forward!





If you celebrate your differentness, the world will too. It believes exactly what you tell it—through the words you use to describe yourself, the actions you take to care for yourself, and the choices you make to express yourself. Tell the world you are a one-of-a-kind creation who came here to experience wonder and spread joy. Expect to be accommodated.

—Victoria Moran, author of Lit from Within: Tending Your Soul for Lifelong Beauty





Loving yourself isn’t vanity. It’s sanity.

—André Gide, Nobel Prize–winning author





Choose the Best Role for You


In reality, not a single one of us is so magically normative as to claim the right to separate out the freaks from everyone else. We are all freaks to someone. Maybe even—if we’re honest—to ourselves.…For that matter, if we’re all someone’s “freak,” does this mean that we are all each other’s “normal” too—and worthy of embrace?

—Gwendolyn Ann Smith, author of “We’re All Someone’s Freak,” part of Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation



Sometimes you can put yourself through so much grief trying to be what you think other people want you to be. You try to fit into the roles mapped out for you by society: the strong man, the loving wife, the good child. In some instances, there are responsibilities within these expectations that do benefit your life and the lives of those you care about. For example, acting the part of a professional in the workplace can help you land a promotion, and continue being successful in your career. However, a larger part of these pressures from the outside world simply makes you forget to ask what it is you want. Through ignoring your own desires, you are expressing that what you want isn’t worth considering. It is a sneaky form of self-doubt that weighs on your appreciation for who you are and what you have to offer. You may not be able to silence the voices of those social expectations, but you can choose the role that feels best to you. Remember: Despite what others might lead you to believe, you are the lead in your own life. Each day there are new opportunities for choices that nurture the role in which you feel truly happy. Unsure of what that role is just yet? The choices you make to follow what feels right in the moment can help you figure it out.

TAKING ACTION

Think about the ways you censor yourself to please others. Maybe you hold back from speaking in conversations or wear clothes that don’t really please you. See if you can change the way you play your part so you find more satisfaction in your life. Do one small thing today to get out of line with your typical behavior. It doesn’t have to be anything huge: Wear a top you might otherwise leave in the back of the closet or simply say hello to someone new.





Embrace the Uncomfortable


You are beautiful because of your unrelenting insistence on being utterly, uncompromisingly, completely you.

—Jeanette LeBlanc, writer



In order to get to the place of your dreams, a place where you accept and love yourself, you first have to set aside the comfortable ways that you have known. Moving into a place of self-love requires a certain amount of discomfort. You are trying something new—truly loving and accepting yourself—and with that comes uncertainty. After all, nothing is static. The world and every life in it changes with each passing day. Movement toward the unknown can be difficult because you have to relinquish control over what may happen, and you may even be confronted by hidden aspects of yourself that you have previously been afraid to bring into the light. This hidden self might be the poet who wants to find readers, the queer person who wants to come out of the closet, or the musician who wants to play for an audience. Each one of us contains many different worlds and perspectives. The process of cultivating self-love involves viewing reality through a different lens and embracing all aspects of who you are. This process can be difficult, but it carries rewards that would be unknown without the struggle of growing. Growing as a person does not have to mean perfectionism or competition. It can just mean taking a dormant part of yourself and giving it expression. Your self-expression does not have to be Instagram-perfect, either. It can be something small that only you can see.

TAKING ACTION

Is there some hidden aspect of yourself that makes you a little uncomfortable? Take a small step today to let it out in the open. Go and visit an art gallery, pick up a book of poetry, or do anything that speaks to your inner weirdness. Give yourself a little bit of time and space today that nurtures your inner self.





Create Balance


Optimal self-esteem is grounded in reality in that the individual has adopted a balanced perspective on his/her strengths and weaknesses, including the search for learning opportunities that will further self-understanding and avoid future failures.

—Susan Harter, author of The Construction of the Self: Developmental and Sociocultural Foundations, second edition



Self-love has an internal paradox: If you become overly involved with yourself, you fall into the bad kind of narcissism that disconnects you from the world and strains your relationships as you are unable to think of anyone else’s needs or desires. But if you become too self-effacing, you lose your sense of self entirely, which can lead to resentful or begrudging service of others at the expense of your well-being. Your focus is so fixed on other people that you may not even notice your own accomplishments and skills, your own wonderful qualities. The point of balance can feel elusive, but it lies in a flexible kind of negotiation with the world around you, in a practice of give and take that meets your needs and the needs of those you care about.

TAKING ACTION

See if you can spot these extremes in your own life: times when you had an inflated sense of self and times when you thought little of yourself. An example of an inflated sense of self might be taking pride in something that is the bare minimum, like showing up for work. An example of thinking too little of yourself might be saying, “I always mess things up,” or “I’ll never be able to get a date.” What might a balance between extremes look like for you at this point in your journey?





Rethink Your Idols


The cult of celebrity, in essence, is a distraction from our own progression as human beings.…Of course, an indulgent look every now and then is part of humanity, but perhaps if we were to stop looking for hope in false gods and focus more on our own talents and unique identities we’d waste far less time trying to be like someone else.

—Greg French, fashion writer



As a member of the species that sociologist Mircea Eliade coined homo religiosus, you are a meaning-making creature. You seek out associations between objects and events and are drawn by human instinct to desire deeper significance within them. And there is nothing wrong with that…until the symbols you choose for yourself become too limiting or even destructive. Too often, celebrities are placed on a pedestal where any shortcomings, no matter how great, are ignored or excused outright. When a person is held up as a god, no one wants to see their faults. You may sometimes idolize deeply flawed and even abusive people, or choose a role model who may be too far out of reach, like an airbrushed supermodel. This focus on the unobtainable, revering something that may not even exist, only leads to disparaging yourself as you are. Meanwhile, the real thing—a genuinely kind, intelligent, or courageous person—may already be in your life. By recognizing good qualities like generosity, patience, and creativity in those around you, you choose role models who motivate you each day to be your own best self and to love the good qualities within yourself.

TAKING ACTION

Look back over your life so far. Did a chosen ideal or model of life ever become too limiting? Has a role model ever let you down or tried to take advantage of you? Who are your idols now? Who or what do you worship and how do these idols affect your sense of self-love?





Live More, Conquer Less


Living as love changed me in every way. In the past, I tried to make things happen and force results, but that has morphed into accepting life on its terms, which has given me a peace beyond understanding. I started to see joy and sorrow as two sides of the same coin. No longer bound by the pain of resistance, I welcomed changes as they came to me, seeing everything as part of a cosmic whole.

—Marj Britt, Unity minister



Too often we look at life as trying to get somewhere, to be more “successful.” This questing or conquering view of life has its place—you can find a lot of motivation in a worthy goal—but the motivational worldview can also rob ordinary moments of their beauty and liveliness, and it keeps us from loving what is. You don’t have to be conquering all the time to have a happy, fulfilling life. You can live and love right where you are. This moment matters, just as it is. You matter. You can afford to stop and reflect. You can take stock of the day: what you’ve done and left undone. You can take time to give thanks, to rest, to just be. You are not a whole person worthy of loving yourself just when you are accomplishing things. You are actually most human in your moments of weakness, when you don’t have it all together. You can love yourself right now, just as you are. You deserve it.

TAKING ACTION

Take a moment now to just be. Let go of the tendency to hurry and accomplish. Let go of the aggression that would have you conquer the day. Simply rest for a few minutes to enjoy what is and who you are right now. The world will be there for you when you’re ready.





Forgive Someone


Until we can forgive, we remain locked in our pain and locked out of the possibility of experiencing healing and freedom, locked out of the possibility of being at peace.

—Archbishop Desmond Tutu, recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize



The love of oneself and the love of others are deeply entwined. These loves depend upon one another and flow into each other. If you do not accept the person next to you, you will carry anger and resentment. These heavy emotions, if left unchecked, will eventually lead to a harmful relationship with yourself as you seek to purge them through destructive behaviors such as lashing out or withdrawing from other relationships. If you can recognize in your fellow human being a flawed but intrinsically valuable person, you will be able to forgive them for their mistakes and imperfections. And don’t think of forgiveness as something that only operates in the past tense, as in forgiving past wrongs, but as something that operates in the present, an openness to a real encounter. All real encounters take place with imperfect beings, just like you.

TAKING ACTION

Make a list of the people who have hurt you or let you down in ways you are still holding on to. Now go down this list and envision yourself forgiving at least one of these people. You can even say “I forgive you” out loud to help solidify the experience or reach out to that person to forgive them in person. Forgiveness does not mean you have to forget what happened or say that you are okay with what that person did; it can simply mean a readiness to be released from the past.





Allow Yourself to Mourn


Grief is a full-body experience. It takes over your entire body—it’s not a disease of the mind.…There are certain things that happen to you as a human being that you cannot control or command, that will come to you at really inconvenient times, and where you have to bow in the human humility to the fact that there’s something running through you that’s bigger than you.

—Elizabeth Gilbert, author



You mourn for those who have died, but you also mourn for those who still live. You make connections and sometimes lose them later in life. Relationships bend and break, sometimes permanently. You can also grieve for lost places or times gone by. These experiences and feelings of loss become part of you—of how you view the world, choose future relationships, and deal with the changes of life. These losses are not to be excised, anesthetized, or suppressed. Keep returning to the touchstones of loss in your own life to find reminders of who you were and who you want to be moving forward. The pain and sweetness of life intertwine. Loss is a part of loving yourself. To love is to risk losing, but any loss you might experience holds lessons, as well as the potential for even more happiness and love in place of what has ended.

TAKING ACTION

Take a few minutes to go back to a time when you deeply mourned a loss in your life. Maybe you remember the loss of a parent or grandparent, a treasured place like a childhood home, or a beloved pet. Write about your experience: What happened? How did that loss help make you the person you are today? What are you proud of in the way you’ve dealt with or overcome your pain?





Grow Up, Don’t Give Up


Many of us were taught as children that we shouldn’t express ourselves too much. We should pipe down in some way. Such children often become adults who are in the habit of cowering, as though we’re afraid of taking up too much space. Our mind then comes into conflict with our soul’s knowing. Because each of us is the center of the universe, we are here to express ourselves, and on some level we know this.

—Marianne Williamson, author of The Law of Divine Compensation: On Work, Money, and Miracles



At some point in your life, you may have decided to present to the world a kind of toned-down version of yourself, with all the rough places smoothed out and the wilder bits firmly tamped down. You try to reassure others that you’re quite safe and ordinary, that you won’t make waves. This change, usually labeled as growing up or maturing, has a downside, as you can end up losing something of the spark that is your unique contribution to the world. Somehow you have to learn to grow up without giving up the sense of uniqueness and wonder that is inherent in childhood. If you’ve already let go of this quirkiness or set aside that open curiosity along the path to adulthood, it’s time to reclaim it. Being yourself and loving yourself are two sides of the same coin, two ways to reach greater fulfillment and joy. Self-love unfolds through the practices that allow your true self to shine.

TAKING ACTION

Have you lost some of that unique spark in your own life? Rediscover what is special about you by doing one thing today that will help you get in touch with your inner child. Try drawing a picture or playing outside. Set a timer and give your pursuit at least fifteen minutes.





Listen to Your Body


We must not minimize or negate the impact of being told to hate or fear our bodies and the bodies of others. Living in a society structured to profit from our self-hate creates a dynamic in which we are so terrified of being ourselves that we adopt terror-based ways of being in our bodies. All this is fueled by a system that makes large quantities of money off our shame and bias.

—Sonya Renee Taylor, activist and author of The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love



Self-love means loving all the parts of who you are, including the body that carries you from one day to the next. Of course, the body is an unruly creature: It resists your attempts to push it into predetermined molds, it escapes your plans for management and control, it holds injuries and scars, imbalances and brokenness, but it also holds messages for how to care for it and how to nourish your unique needs. That knot in your shoulders calls for yoga and massage. The tension in your head asks for a respite from work. Your tired eyes beg to close. When you open yourself to the messages contained within your own body, you take control over not just your health but your happiness as well. A body is not just a body: It is a vehicle for expression, a cabinet of curiosities, a record of events, a palace of pleasure, and a storehouse of wisdom. By listening to its needs and supporting its desires, you can begin to access this inner reserve and recognize just how amazing and deserving of love your body is.

TAKING ACTION

Take a few minutes to do a body scan meditation, observing your body from the tips of your toes to the crown of your head. Look for the places where you might be holding on to pain and fatigue. Ask your body to show you how you can be kinder to it, how you can give it relief from the aches and pains of everyday life. Give yourself permission to follow the needs and inclinations of your physical self.





Be Present


We do not have to go anywhere in order to touch our true nature. The wave does not have to look for water because she is water. We do not have to look for God, we do not have to look for our ultimate dimension or nirvana, because we are nirvana, we are God. You are what you are looking for. You are already what you want to become.

—Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhist monk and author of No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life



People spend the vast amount of their time on Earth worrying about things they did in the past or trying to attain something in the future. Mindfulness meditation teaches something so simple that it shouldn’t be a revelation but nonetheless never fails to surprise: The past and the future don’t exist. You only have the present. The present holds so much beauty, and you may never even notice it because past regrets and future expectations lead you to flee from it so quickly. However, this present moment is the only place where self-love can take place. Awareness of the present moment helps you fully experience and appreciate the good things in your life and yourself. Of course, it can feel difficult to pay deep attention solely to what is occurring right now, which is why mindfulness practices such as meditation are so beneficial. Daily meditation helps keep your mind focused on the present.

TAKING ACTION

Take a few minutes to simply observe everything that is happening inside your head and in the room where you are reading this book. Take the role of an observer, noticing the tiniest details that enter your awareness. As thoughts about the past and future come into your mind, gently acknowledge and then let go of them. See if you can maintain this habit of quiet observation while going about your everyday activities.





Connect with Like-Minded People


A real love I’m searchin.’ A real love. I found and I call them kin. Kinfolk.

—Kai M. Green, black queer scholar



Think of the self as a switchboard, an old-timey telephone exchange. This exchange has all sorts of colorful lights that only illuminate when a particular call goes through—no connections means no lights. To illuminate yourself, you have to plug in, to connect, with others who share the same goals, interests, and inclinations, otherwise the switchboard will be dark, dull, and dreary. You have to connect with people who make you feel less alone in the world, who have the words you’ve been wanting to hear, people who “get it.” Forming this community of like-minded people helps you improve your sense of appreciation and love for yourself as you give expression to the unique parts of your identity. If you can’t find these people in real life, you can seek them out in virtual spaces. Sometimes virtual encounters turn into friendships beyond the keyboard. No matter how you go about it, you need to connect with others who understand and encourage the person you are.

TAKING ACTION

Think for a few minutes about the people in your life. What parts of yourself do they connect to and help you express? Think of a few ways to expand your network, including looking into joining organizations or clubs focused on your values or passions.





Indulge Your Curiosity


A first step toward empathy might seem paradoxical: we may have to discover our own worth and have a basis for self-concern. It is impossible to appreciate the complexity of others if we are not able to love ourselves, knowing our contradictions. A positive love for one’s own soul then might extend beyond oneself to include the world, and it might have more weight than an abstract tolerance of humankind.

—Thomas Moore, writer and poet



Manifesting greater self-love means getting curious about yourself—exploring your own motivations, feelings, and thoughts. Why did you react that way? What do you want right now? Why are you feeling this way? This curiosity leads to compassion toward yourself as you better understand where harmful thoughts, feelings, and behaviors stem from. And as you practice inward curiosity along your journey to self-love, you may also begin to practice more outward curiosity, wanting to know how other people live in the world and how their own journeys of self-love are unfolding. Curiosity becomes a pursuit that makes the world endlessly enthralling. You begin wanting to know things just for the sake of knowing, and that makes life all the more worthwhile. The compassion you develop for yourself also becomes a greater understanding toward other people.

TAKING ACTION

Think for a bit about your natural curiosity. What would you like to know? Maybe you’d like to learn Italian or to ride a bike or to make a giant playlist. Find one small thing that makes you curious right now and spend a few minutes investigating that nugget of curiosity.





Allow Room for Spontaneity


There is something scary about letting ourselves go. It means that we will screw up, that we will relinquish the possibility of perfection. It means that we will say things we didn’t mean to say and express feelings we can’t explain. It means that we will be onstage and not have complete control, that we won’t know what we are going to play until we begin, until the bow is drawn across the strings.

—Jonah Lehrer, author of Imagine: How Creativity Works



It sounds like a funny thing to say, but you probably do not often improvise in your own life. You may practice conversations ahead of time in the shower, the shampoo and conditioner bottles acting as stand-ins for the people you will be talking to. Maybe your home is littered with to-do lists or outlines for each day. You may even have a plan drawn out for the next year—or five, or ten! These days, plotting your every move is easier than ever, thanks to the dozens of task management apps and electronic calendars and notes. Of course, planning ahead is by no means a bad thing. Keeping yourself organized helps you stay on track with your deadlines and goals. However, to be your unique self, you also need a bit of spontaneity in life. When everything is planned in advance, it can feel like you are more of a programmed robot than an actual living being. Allowing yourself room to improvise along the way is a simple act of self-love that encourages time for whatever makes you feel alive and thriving in the moment. By making space for spontaneity in your schedule, you are showing yourself that you are more than a producer: You are a being of flesh and blood and heart. You deserve a bit of excitement among all those to-dos.

TAKING ACTION

Think about how much planning and how much spontaneity you have in your life. Are these two ends of the spectrum balanced or wildly unequal? Do something today that is outside of your schedule, without regard for making money or optimizing efficiency.





Suspend Judgment


All judgment is, in one way or another, self-judgment.

—Joseph Rain, author of The Unfinished Book about Who We Are: Book One: First Steps to Self-Discovery



As a human being, you pay a price for having consciousness: You can no longer perceive the world without the labels of objects and relationships, together with all of the cultural associations and inherited biases that come with those labels. This means you do not see yourself directly or objectively. Your perspective is clouded with all the labels that often question your worth and foster doubt in who you are. To truly accept and ultimately love yourself and your life as is, you have to suspend judgment, to refrain from, if only for an instant, the need to define your perceptions. This suspension of judgment is the true goal of meditation, and you can practice it anytime, anywhere, by temporarily letting go of the veil of language that separates you from sensual objects. To allow suspension of judgment, you must release certainty and replace it with an attitude of “maybe” or “it could be the case that…” See your thoughts as provisional and partial in nature, as obscuring reality rather than revealing it. Let loose those labels and welcome self-compassion in their place.

TAKING ACTION

To practice suspension of judgment, think of some of the labels you might apply to yourself; for example, “parent,” “writer,” “American,” etc. As these thoughts come to you, don’t negate them; simply see them without affirmation or denial. Recognize them as provisional truths that do not speak to your whole self. See the partiality of these labels.





Work Around Fear


Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.

—Japanese proverb



You may have some phobias or fears that hold you back in life. Maybe you’re afraid of snakes, dogs, or clowns. You may be afraid to speak in public or have trouble interacting in large gatherings. Or perhaps you’re afraid to get on an airplane or drive over bridges. Fears don’t always make sense, but once they form, they can be very difficult to dislodge. You develop a sort of “play it safe” mentality that caters to your fears rather than the actions that will help you thrive and nurture self-confidence, such as speaking up when someone acts unfairly or traveling to a new place full of possibility. Confidence in yourself, belief in your inner strength, is a part of self-love that’s held out of reach by fear. Of course, there are therapies available to help diminish your fears, but there are also ways you can work around fear in your day-to-day. For example, you might have anxiety around the idea of a big party, but a gathering of three or four people is perfectly okay. Organize smaller events to nurture relationships and set a boundary around what you aren’t comfortable with. Maybe you’re afraid of flying, so you make long-distance travel a fun road trip with your favorite music and intriguing stops along the way. Finding ways to work around fear rather than allowing it to consume your life is a great act of self-love. You are demonstrating that you are worthy of success and happiness and accepting your differences instead of viewing them as a reason to not love yourself. Fears and phobias can be diminished over time and through effort, but you cannot put self-love on hold in the mistaken belief that you are undeserving until fearless.

TAKING ACTION

You may have some habits of your own that are rooted in fear and hold you back from doing things that can help you live a fuller, happier life. You may also have a loophole or work-around that lets you live your life even with fear lingering in the background. Think about some of the times you successfully outsmarted a fear. How did you work around these fears or even make them work for you? How might you use these experiences to get around fears or phobias moving forward?





Embrace Humanity


There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.

—John Holmes, poet



You may sometimes feel undervalued at work or in society at large. Maybe you’ve felt unseen by your employer or disrespected by your peers lately. This sense of disregard plays into your internal dissatisfaction with your life and yourself. When you feel others don’t value you, you can begin to question whether you are worth valuing. People will also pick up on this self-doubt, giving you the lessened respect and appreciation you present yourself as deserving. It is a hurtful cycle of diminished self-love. Fortunately, you can break free from this cycle simply by extending kindness to others. As you come out of your shell to treat people as human beings—to think beyond the idea of an employee or contractor serving a customer or client and more in the sense of a genuine interaction—they will naturally begin to do the same for you. You can practice showing kindness for others everywhere, from the grocery store to the gas station to your office. These encounters don’t always have to take place face-to-face, either. You can practice greater humanity and compassion in online interactions as well. Your inner and outer lives improve when you take a humane attitude toward what you do and how you act, both at work and in your free time.

TAKING ACTION

Take your next encounter, on or off the job: See if you can humanize the experience by paying your full attention, being present, and acting with kindness. For example, you might ask someone how their day is going or engage in other small talk rather than just giving a cursory smile and nod.





Choose Gratitude


No one says we must feel the gratitude. Just recognizing the blessings in our lives makes room for more of the good stuff.

—Susan B., author of Getting Out from Going Under: Daily Reader for Compulsive Debtors and Spenders



Some days, you may struggle to find the good in the world. This stirs up a sense of deflation and discouragement that begins with other people and situations but eventually reflects back onto your view of yourself. If you can’t find the good in the world, it can be equally difficult to find the good in yourself and in your life. Feeling a sense of hopelessness is a normal experience that most people have at some point in their lives. Fortunately, today’s technology means it’s not difficult to find news stories about people helping their neighbors, doing cool creative projects, and rescuing abandoned animals. You’ll probably never answer the riddle of whether human nature is good or bad, but you can decide for yourself to focus on and be grateful for the people and events that are good. You can purposely look for the positives and try to magnify them even more through your personal interactions. You can buy a friend a gift to cheer them up, redecorate a corner of your home, or make a list of people you admire. When you brighten the world around you, you find that your inner landscape shifts as well. You feel more positive about yourself as you draw out positivity in your surroundings.

TAKING ACTION

Make a list of five things that make you feel grateful right now. If you’re finding this difficult, think smaller: You can be grateful for a good cup of coffee, for not getting a traffic ticket, or for finishing a report at work. Repeat this exercise regularly.





To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

—Oscar Wilde, author of An Ideal Husband





I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.

—Frederick Douglass, abolitionist and author of Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave





Pleasure Yourself


Our bodies are where self-esteem, desire, and sexuality come together. The more attention we pay to our needs, the better we are able to take care of ourselves.

—Miriam Kaufman, Cory Silverberg, and Fran Odette, authors of The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness



If your love life is lacking at the moment, become your own lover. Take yourself on a date to a nice restaurant, buy yourself flowers, write yourself a love note, and yes, have a sensual night solo. When you give yourself pleasure, you send yourself a message that your own satisfaction matters. Even if you’re in a long-term relationship, that’s no reason you can’t take care of yourself. In fact, engaging in eroticism for one can also help keep things spicy with a partner. You become more aware of what gets you going and the specific fantasies that appeal to you. Fantasizing sets the stage for the kinds of energies you want to bring into your real life. Allow yourself some pleasure: It is one of the primary aims of life. There is nothing wrong with sensuality, and, by getting in touch with your passionate side, you demonstrate love for yourself.

TAKING ACTION

Imagine you are going on a second date with a special someone. What sort of gift would you buy that person? How would you show them you care? Now do that same thing for yourself.





Create a Positive Feedback Loop


Take a step back. Retreat, even for a few silent, quiet moments. Allow yourself to embrace the reality that every single life form (human, plant, animal) are embodiments of the sacred miracle of life. Allow yourself to relax into the truth that you are sacred as well. The way to manifest your sacredness is to embody sacredness—to treat all life as sacred.

—Cat J. Zavis, executive director, Network of Spiritual Progressives



Something magical happens in the space between effort and surrender. You need both parts—practicing daily disciplines and allowing the results to take care of themselves. Daily disciplines can be practices like mindfulness meditation, physical exercise, positive self-talk, or self-care rituals. When you honor and respect yourself, you begin to truly believe that you are deserving of honor and respect. The resulting love for yourself seems to fall into place naturally. This cycle of directing positive actions toward yourself and feeling positively about yourself only to direct those feelings back into more positive actions is known as a positive feedback loop. It doesn’t matter where you begin in this loop. Whether you start with a positive feeling toward yourself or a positive action, one will fall into the other. What is important is that you set the intention to spark this positive feedback loop at the start of your day so it can continue through everything you do.

TAKING ACTION

How can you show yourself, concretely, that you are serious about this self-love business, about taking control of your own positive feedback loop? Do something to demonstrate your care for yourself. The size of the action does not matter so much as the symbolism behind it. Make yourself feel valued, whether through making yourself a nice cup of tea or taking a long lunch.





Tune In to the Rhythm of Reality


The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures. It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth in numberless blades of grass and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

—Rabindranath Tagore, poet



At the beginning of an orchestral performance, the musicians all warm up their instruments in a cacophony of strings and brass, percussion and wind; then the conductor taps his or her baton against the music stand, the first violin plays an A, and the rest of the orchestra tunes to that note. By listening to that one note, all the musicians can sound their best, not just on their own but also as a group. You have to find that tuning note in your own life—the centering practice that helps you harmonize with the other people around you, to create the positive conditions of communication, teamwork, and more in your environment that allow self-love to flourish. This all begins with sitting still and listening, interjecting moments of quiet contemplation into your day so you can attune yourself to your surroundings. Steal bits of time from your schedule to do this whenever you feel out of sync with the people or situations around you. Go outside or enjoy a moment of quiet during your lunch break.

TAKING ACTION

Today, try a media fast. This can last for the next hour or the remainder of your day, depending on what’s most feasible for you. See what it feels like to sit quietly in nature, to have a genuine conversation, or to work uninterrupted. When you feel tempted by entertainment or noise, take a ten-minute break of complete silence. Set a timer if necessary.





Get Out of the Defensive Crouch


Operating from a place of fear, we buy the belief that I’ve got to look out for me and mine because no one else will. We lose our faith and stop trusting that Spirit will look after us. We become disconnected from other people, from ourselves, and from the sacred; and we perceive that we’re on our own. We forget the great resources available to us when we’re in touch with the divine.

—Alberto Villoldo, medical anthropologist and author of The Four Insights: Wisdom, Power, and Grace of the Earthkeepers



The pill bug, also called the roly-poly, will curl into a ball when it feels threatened. In similar situations of distress, opossums will play dead and turtles will retreat into their shells. The defensive crouch is common among animals, including humans. Times of adversity can lead you to withdraw into yourself, hiding from the outside world. This kind of duck and cover routine can persist even after the danger has passed; like any habit, it becomes second nature through repeated practice. While this survival instinct can be useful in the face of true threats to your life, giving it rein over everyday moments also means giving power to self-doubt. It means letting go of confidence in yourself and your abilities and allowing opportunities for joy to pass you by. It takes a lot of work to undo learned defensive behavior, to take chances again and brave the world. However, when that shift toward courage takes place, suddenly the world doesn’t seem so hostile and uncaring, and you realize just how capable you can be in turbulent times. Coming out of your defensive crouch creates a sense of empowerment and ultimately a love of yourself and what you are capable of.

TAKING ACTION

You may have some situations in your life that cause you to hunker down and avoid other people. Maybe this habit has become ingrained over time. Consider these situations and the defensive stance you take and see if you can work against this tendency today.





Buy Less, Love More


Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius—and a lot of courage—to move in the opposite direction.

—E.F. Schumacher, statistician and economist



You may hear the constant drumbeat from society to buy more. From magazines to social media advertisements, the allure of materials and the exciting lives of others tempt you from every angle. And it can be easy in this beautiful, edited picture of a happy life to buy into the notion that you always need more than you have now—that this growth in possessions is the natural state of the world. These things will make you happy, make you more deserving of admiration and love…right? Then you run smack into the wall of reality; your bank balance is running out and you still don’t feel as though you measure up. You still feel you don’t have the right things to be “worthy.” To truly love yourself, you must return to enjoying things as they are, to practice appreciating life with all its flaws and incompleteness. But accepting natural limits does not mean giving up. It opens a space of freedom in which you can do more with what you already have. You can make use of the materials at hand rather than consuming ever more. The love you cultivate for yourself in these moments is a love that can weather any ups and downs along the way. After all, objects can be lost, but the ability to be happy with what you have is a skill that you will carry—and that will carry you—through life.

TAKING ACTION

Look around your living space. How many things have you bought for some reason but never used? This could include an unopened bucket of paint, a book you haven’t read, or a pair of shoes you’ve never taken out of the box. Consider why you bought these items and whether they are important to your happiness now. If not, let them go.





Listen to Your Intuition


The more you listen to your heart and trust that the universe has your best interests in mind, the more confident you will be in your decisions. Intuition is like a muscle: the more you use it, the stronger and more reliable it becomes.

—Molly Carroll, therapist and author of Trust Within: Letting Intuition Lead



You have probably had intuitions about people and situations, when something didn’t feel quite right or you sensed a hidden opportunity. Sometimes you just know things without being able to explain why. An inner voice or image points the way or holds you back from taking a desired course of action, or you just have a sense that a particular person is either safe or dangerous. You can’t really control or summon these little nudges; you can only be open to the possibility of receiving their inner guidance. Intuition is a powerful form of knowledge—the spark that gets other ways of knowing started. Intuition can lead to investigation, research, and experimentation. It may spark action or inspire artistic creation. This inner voice can also guide you toward greater self-love: It leads you toward the people and experiences that will encourage healing, a deeper understanding of yourself, and more enjoyment of the things that make you feel good inside and out. But you must first pay attention to its promptings. Be ready for that first spark of insight and allow it to grow into a flame.

TAKING ACTION

When life gets hectic, you can have a hard time connecting with your intuitive experience. Your brain runs on full tilt, unable to separate the many messages you have to process all at once. Take some time now to open yourself back up to your intuition. Sit in complete silence for five, ten, or twenty minutes and focus on a feeling of love and kindness. If something should distract you, bring your attention back to that feeling.





Practice a Soft Touch


Lack of self-compassion manifests in a harsh and judgmental relationship with ourselves. Many people believe that unless they are critical and demanding of themselves, they will be failures, unworthy of recognition and undeserving of love.…We’re afraid that if we were to be gentle and kind to ourselves, to relax our grip, we might not accomplish anything at all.

—Thupten Jinpa, author of A Fearless Heart: How the Courage to Be Compassionate Can Transform Our Lives



To nurture greater self-love, you have to learn to practice physical gentleness. This may sound like a foreign concept, as you have likely become used to the message that being a successful and deserving human being comes from dog-eat-dog competition, ceaseless striving, and relentless pursuit. Begin to rewire this belief with the presupposition that you can do things another way. You don’t have to claw your way to the top, to be vicious with yourself and others to prove yourself worthy. Your soft animal self wants comfort and warmth, feelings deeply entwined with love, and you cannot wait for the accomplishment of a big life goal to be gentle. You need these things today in order to create a sense of self-love. Loving yourself means being your own best friend. Experiment with becoming a source of warmth and comfort for yourself and others. You may need to use a more assertive approach from time to time—you do have teeth and claws—but the competitive aspect is no longer a core purpose. You can save your fighting instincts for the right time and place. In the meantime, kind companionship with yourself builds a sense of self-love that will last.

TAKING ACTION

Take the time to get really cozy today. Try brewing yourself some herbal tea and curling up with a book and a blanket. Allow your worries to fade and spend some time quietly enjoying life in comfort.





Find Your Strength


I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.

—Anna Freud, psychoanalyst



Society can often encourage a dualistic view of the world and those within it: the self and the other, insiders versus outsiders, good and evil. This zero-sum game of winners and losers rips the world apart. It cannot be the case that humanity should be neatly divided between opposing camps with clear lines of division. This belief only serves to close us off from the lessons and experiences that others have to offer. To constantly judge yourself on this win-lose scale diminishes self-confidence in favor of greater self-doubt. Self-love requires that you find the strength to practice peace both with yourself and others. Does this mean you become a pushover, ready to tolerate anything from aggressors? No. When you’ve found the deep well of strength within, you overcome the petty bullies of the world, without a lingering resentment that weighs on your mind long after the situation has passed. You will also see yourself as a worthy ally, not an enemy to fight. You will be able to discern the best tactics for any situation. Importantly, peace should not be confused with weakness or passivity. The discipline you build in daily practice makes you ready to tackle any challenge and believe in your own ability to take on the twists and turns of life.

TAKING ACTION

You may find yourself facing internal enemies, like self-criticism and self-blame, or you may face external enemies, like an overbearing supervisor or a stingy landlord. You find relief from these difficulties when you face them directly. Imagine a difficulty you’re currently dealing with. Now tap in to feelings of love and peace. Once they are concrete enough, aim them toward your trouble. Hold that loving frame of mind for at least ten to twenty minutes, then see if new solutions present themselves.





Express Your Emotions


Negative emotions are not bad. They’re human. Much of the time they are situationally appropriate.…The only truly negative emotions are emotions that you won’t allow yourself or someone else to experience. Negative emotions won’t harm you if you express them appropriately and then let them go.

—Joan Borysenko, scientist and author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind



You may have been conditioned to believe that negative emotions, anger especially, should be avoided, or at least kept inside, at all costs. But, of course, you can’t get rid of anger or sadness or shame by wishing it away or ignoring it. It will only fester within and multiply. You harm yourself when you go for too long without any form of emotional release. This is when you find yourself unable to function. Your mind is taken over by a heavy feeling and it spills over into everything, from your ability to sleep soundly to your interactions with others. It also affects your relationship with yourself. The negativity you feel for the person or situation that sparked the emotion eventually turns around to reflect on how you view yourself. Self-doubt may also creep in, as you relive the past over and over, dissecting every word and action until you’re unsure who is to blame. You don’t need to let your emotions build up like this. You can avoid a breakdown through healthy, regular release. You may be able to express yourself in a conversation to resolve the problem or just vent to someone you trust. You can play music, draw pictures, write in a journal, do physical exercise, or use any other positive outlet. Taking care of your emotions is a simple form of self-love. When you get in touch with your feelings and work your way through them, your whole life works more harmoniously.

TAKING ACTION

If you are not comfortable talking about your feelings, try writing them down. Get some blank paper and write until you’ve described what’s bothering you as completely and accurately as possible. Keep alert for the rest of the day. You may unexpectedly receive some guidance about your problem.





Declare a Ceasefire with Yourself


Self-love is not an end point or a destination that we arrive at after some kind of magical epiphany or surgical intervention. It’s not a switch that gets flipped on, a product to be assembled, or a finish line that we cross. Instead, it’s better to think of self-love as an ongoing process, a skill that we learn or a muscle that we strengthen over time.

—Sam Dylan Finch, writer and editor



Life gets easier when you no longer wage war within yourself. Perhaps you are struggling with a desire to be thinner or more successful. Maybe you’re fighting against a disability or you simply lash out at yourself over every perceived imperfection. Self-love leads to healthier habits, being able to fight the situations worth your efforts, and seeking out life-affirming, joyful ways of existing in the world. You cannot wait until some ideal time in the future when conditions will align perfectly. You have to start the process of loving yourself today, by living as your true self in a world that may sometimes aim to hold you back. Everything hinges on that moment of internal resolve, in deciding to stop the inner battle and declare a ceasefire with yourself. Love and healing are possible for you today; you just have to lay down your weapons of self-harm and say yes to yourself and your life.

TAKING ACTION

Get out a journal or a sheet of blank paper and follow this prompt: “I commit to loving and taking care of myself in a sustainable way by _______________________.” See if you can write at least one or two paragraphs’ worth of ideas for increasing your self-love. Once you’ve finished writing, highlight or underline the action items and schedule them in your daily planner or your phone’s calendar.





Make Peace with Your Mistakes


Loving yourself doesn’t mean you think you’re the smartest, most talented, and most beautiful person in the world. Instead, when you love yourself, you accept your so-called weaknesses, appreciate these so-called shortcomings as something that makes you who you are. When you love yourself, you have compassion for yourself.

—Andrea Brandt, psychologist



Make peace with all that you have done and left undone. Accept everything that has happened and the relationships that have ended or altered over the years. Making peace doesn’t require you to do anything at all—it just shifts the way you perceive things. As you make peace with your past mistakes, you make it easier for self-love to take root. You stop blaming yourself for what you should or could have done. You stop looking with shame or regret on this or that mistake. You’re able to stop exploring the what-if scenarios. Perhaps you wouldn’t have made a mistake if you had done or said something different—perhaps life would be positively altered by taking back an error—but perhaps you would have missed out on a lesson learned. Or maybe that one thing needed to fall apart so better things could come together in the future. As you forgive your mistakes with this loving intent, the past has less of a grip on you. You’re free to finally and confidently be yourself.

TAKING ACTION

Every time a little thing goes wrong today, take it as an opportunity to practice self-love. Repeat to yourself “I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you,” or simply “love, love, love, love.” You spill coffee on yourself. Love. You accidentally cut someone off in traffic. Love. You make a mistake at work. Love. Try it, just for today, and see what happens.





Set a Table for Love


You have one glorious and brief shot at being the you that is you on planet Earth, and the power to create whatever reality you desire. Why not be the biggest, happiest, most generous, and fully realized humanoid you can be?

—Jen Sincero, author of You Are a Badass at Making Money: Master the Mindset of Wealth



Love acts with extravagance. It gives unearned access to an unseen reward. It furnishes an inner mansion that has yet to be built. It makes its way into the hidden recesses of the heart, decorating its niches and walls with garlands of flowers. It lights a thousand lamps in the dark, dispelling the gloom. Where one person has dared to love, revelers will dance, sing, and play. Love cannot be stopped by ill fortune, sickness, or death. Love sees beauty wherever it goes and sings of its beloved. It echoes, immortal, through the ages, making noble everyone it touches. As the oldest and strongest force, love cannot be controlled. You can only ask it to enter, again and again. And because it is so kind and generous, it always comes when asked. Imagine yourself setting the table for self-love in your own heart and mind. Make a place card and decorate it with all the warm, welcoming elements that would make any guest feel at home. Once you’ve invited self-love into your life, start preparing the feast.

TAKING ACTION

Love comes in many different forms. It can be the warmth of friendship, the heat of romance, compassion for a stranger, or the fellow feeling of citizenship. Be on the lookout for love today, whether in your own heart or observed in others. Try to find at least three instances of love as you go through your day. As you note love in the world around you, try to direct those positive feelings inward. See how acknowledging different forms of love affects the way you feel about both others and yourself.





Be Your Own Cheerleader


Self-love is a journey. It takes dedication, devotion, and practice. Resolve to love yourself each and every day and watch your best self blossom and your greatest life unfold! Self-love is an exponential force.

—Joyce Marter, psychotherapist



People are often very sparing in praising themselves. Few give themselves enough credit for their triumphs, gifts, and abilities. While modesty is an admirable quality, there is something more than modesty about this mindset: It’s a neglect of yourself. You ignore or even discount your achievements and the wonderful qualities within yourself, instead opening that space to what you haven’t achieved or the traits you don’t possess. Every time you criticize yourself, you make it that much harder to achieve self-love, harder for your talents to reach their full expression. The way out of this trap is to consistently praise your own work to yourself. Do this whether you feel like it or not. Praise yourself frequently in the way you routinely brush your teeth or take out the recycling. The feelings of confidence and pride in yourself will come as you continue this practice.

TAKING ACTION

Today, practice being your own cheerleader. Every time you do something, say encouraging things to yourself. Give yourself little compliments such as “You did a great job on that” and “You look really nice today.” This may feel silly at first, but keep at it! Try to maintain an encouraging voice throughout the day.





Get Into Motion


Nourishing yourself in a way that helps you blossom in the direction you want to go is attainable, and you are worth the effort.

—Deborah Day, mental health counselor



Spending so much time behind the wheel of a car or sitting behind a desk can make you lose touch with your physical body and its needs. Bodies want to be moving in their surroundings. We’re made for action that requires more than the pressing of computer keys. Part of loving yourself means honoring your nature as an embodied being with a need to explore your surroundings and move to the full extent of your ability. Your mind also works much better when you get up and move, even for just a few minutes at a time. A bit of motion can help you expel negative self-talk and recenter on kindness toward yourself. Enjoying a breeze outside or stepping away from your desk to look out the window is enough to nourish your body’s need for activity, refresh your mind, and show yourself that you are deserving of loving care.

TAKING ACTION

Take some time today to get up and move around, even if it’s just doing some light stretching. Set yourself a reminder on your phone or computer so you don’t forget.





Bank the Fire


Now each person has, by being this person, his or her own unrepeatable beauty.…Whoever catches sight of this unrepeatable value in me and is moved to love by what he sees, loves me—not my qualities, not my excellences, but me myself.

—John F. Crosby, contributor to Ethical Personalism, edited by Cheikh Mbacke Gueye



Some have a fireplace in their home, whether a hearth set into the wall that burns wood or the gas-burning kind with fake logs. No matter the type of fireplace used, the fire is real, and it creates a cozy feeling, what the Danish call hygge. You can watch movies as a family, read a good book, or enjoy a craft while feeling warm and snug. In the olden days, to bank a fire meant to surround it with stones so the fire would be protected and there would still be enough heat in the embers to restart the fire the next morning. That’s what you have to do with self-love: Regularly bank the fire of affection for yourself and surround yourself with its rosy glow so you are filled with a sense of cozy comfort even when the outside world begins to feel cold. It is so much more pleasant to live and work by the light of this fire of self-love. This fire is also portable. Through simple visualization you can stoke it whenever you want—just imagine piling up more stones of kindness and gratitude around your heart.

TAKING ACTION

Find some small way today to bank your fire of self-love through a kind act. It could be something simple like buying a nice pen or making yourself a good meal. Commit yourself to daily acts that keep your heart warm and grow your sense of love for yourself.





Build for the Future


The fault…is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings.

—William Shakespeare, author of Julius Caesar



Your visions for the future rarely proceed as planned. This can leave you feeling adrift and out of sorts, not knowing what to do next. You may blame yourself for these unexpected twists or for taking what you perceive to be the wrong course of action. Time advances, and it can be a friend or foe of your journey to greater self-love depending how you make use of it. Prepare the tools you will need for the inevitable ups and downs in life in order to navigate them with love. Establish a support system of trusted friends and/or family members you can turn to, as well as a counselor or other professional mentor if you choose. Have a list ready of your favorite self-care activities, uplifting songs, and empowering mantras. Build up your own special toolbox of self-love to take out whenever you’re in need. The future does not have to be like the past: You can have a joyful life of confidence in and appreciation for your wonderfully unique self. It all begins with giving yourself the message that you are worth the effort.

TAKING ACTION

Take some time to tackle part of your self-love toolbox now. Make a list of self-care activities that make you feel pampered and deserving of kindness. Create your mood-boosting playlist. Talk to a loved one about possibly turning to them for support in the future. Bookmark lessons or activities in this book that you’ve found most helpful to flip back to at a later date.





Slow Down


It’s an irony of our modern lives that while technology is continually invented that saves us time, we use that time to do more and more things, and so our lives are more fast-paced and hectic than ever.

—Leo Babauta, blogger



Contrary to popular belief, the world will not fall apart if you move at a slower pace and take the time to do things right the first time around. Rushing through life so often creates more problems than it solves, not to mention the added pressure of trying to do everything right away (and perfectly from the start). This race through time also impacts how you view yourself. The unnecessary expectation you place on yourself to hurry and always focus on the future makes it difficult to recognize and appreciate all the wonderful things about who you are and the life you lead right now. Instead, you think of only what comes next, of how you can do and be better moving forward. You discount your present self. To nurture greater self-love, practice moving slowly and deliberately through the world. Refuse the doubts and anxiety that come with rushed work. You will see that faster does not always equal better, and you will be able to savor your life instead of always being in a hurry. You’ll feel a sense of empowerment and self-respect by taking back control over your time and setting your own pace. You’ll be able to grow your self-confidence by doing one thing at a time well rather than doing twenty things at a time poorly. Fewer mistakes will arise, your mind will be clearer, and your emotions will be more stable. Most importantly, you will be treating yourself with the love you deserve.

TAKING ACTION

What is it that gives you a feeling of urgency when it may not be necessary? Is it driving through traffic? An approaching deadline? Perhaps even thinking about this situation makes you panicked. See the situation in your mind’s eye while breathing very deeply and evenly. Invite a sense of peace into your heart while visualizing the situation. Repeat this exercise whenever the temptation to rush begins to rise.





Watch the Thoughts


Happiness doesn’t depend on how few negative thoughts you have, but on what you do with the ones you have.

—Lisa Esile, author



Birds build their nests out of pine straw, twigs, and bits of string. They collect as they go, using the materials at hand (or beak). Your mind operates much like this, always collecting tidbits of information, gathering images and words and fashioning them into a little nest. You cannot turn off this impulse to collect any more than the bird can stop building its nest. When you close your eyes, you see the nest the mind has made for itself, a completely natural feathered lining of thoughts and memories gleaned from your surroundings. There is nothing wrong with this; it’s simply something the mind does. Freedom comes from not judging. Imagine how silly it would be to criticize a bird for the way it builds its nest, and yet you likely criticize yourself all the time for having one thought or another. This constant criticism erodes your foundation of self-love. It builds on doubt and diminishes confidence. You can begin repairing this damage and cultivating love for yourself by allowing your mind to merely be, observing it without judgment.

TAKING ACTION

Practice watching your thoughts today. Note how your mind seems to light on one thing and then another, all on its own. You may sometimes see trivial thoughts flutter by. Try to avoid judging whatever arises. Simply watch, as though these thoughts don’t even belong to you.





Play the Game of Life


We just have to give experiences back to the world and the people in it, in the same way that they give them to us every day. That is how we happen to life, and that is how we leave our mark. And, in the end, isn’t that what we’re here to do?

—Emily Bartran, writer and editor



You may think that life is some sort of problem to be solved, like a Rubik’s Cube or a sudoku puzzle. You think you have to optimize this and maximize that, improve this and facilitate that in order to “win,” but where exactly is this person who has won at life? Look at the lives of the rich and famous and you will rarely find anyone who truly has perfection. Instead, when you dig beyond the picturesque Instagram posts, you often find dysfunction. Rich and poor, religious and atheist, straight and queer—we are all human beings. There is no way to get it “right.” There is no tutorial or instruction booklet for the game of life. All you can do is twist the cube this way and that, try things and see if they work. And you should give yourself a good bit of credit for simply trying to make things work, for trying to love yourself and others. The open-ended nature of life should also help you fret a little less. You didn’t create this game; you’re just playing it. Play it with loving intent and good things are sure to unfold.

TAKING ACTION

You may find yourself asking, “Why did this have to happen? Why me?” You may now be ready to let go of your expectations of the way things should be and instead become more at peace with the game as it is. Make a list of the ways your life is imperfect. Imagine what it would be like if it were okay for these things to be as they are, if you were playing the best that you could and your effort was enough.





Get Out of Your Own Way


Stop standing in your own way. Stop making excuses. Stop talking about why you can’t. Stop sabotaging yourself. Decide which direction you are going in and take action. One decision at a time, one moment at a time.

—Akiroq Brost, writer



Movement has an automaticity to it. When you get into the groove of life, things happen naturally. When you think too hard about things, always second-guessing yourself, things begin to feel difficult and self-love seems light-years away. You have to step back and let things happen, to get out of your own way. When you let go of the need to control a process, it simply unfolds without commentary. The obstacles fall away without any sort of inward or outward aggression. Once you learn this principle, your difficulties begin to loosen and the path to greater self-love becomes easier to travel. When things are not going well, when you feel a lack of confidence in yourself, take a break from trying to force things. The right guidance often comes when you set aside the need to predict the outcome or manipulate the situation.

TAKING ACTION

Do you have times when your work feels effortless, when things unfold naturally? See if you can get into this state for at least a few minutes today. If you’re having trouble, view the work as simple manual labor. Think of your body as executing the task rather than your mind willing things to be done.





Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

—Rumi, poet





When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits—anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.

—Kim McMillen, author of When I Loved Myself Enough





Pick Your Battles


Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn’t measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.

—C. Joybell C., author



You may sometimes have a hard time deciding which battles are worth fighting and which you should let go. Fighting them all saps your energy and leaves you feeling responsible for every little thing that goes wrong. And whenever you encounter resistance or are unable to change something, it can put your mind into a mode of self-blame and self-doubt, focusing on negative thoughts and feelings toward yourself that chip away at your self-esteem. A fight is worthwhile when it hinges on a principle you hold dear, when it allows you to hold on to an unalterable part of your identity, or when it uplifts and strengthens your community. Let go of most of the other stuff. It doesn’t matter if someone cuts you off in traffic or talks about you behind your back. These are petty moments that will only leave you more frustrated in the end if you choose to fight. Conserve your energy for the fights that really matter, like when someone threatens your community or those you love. There are some struggles for which you were born; the rest are just annoyances.

TAKING ACTION

Have you ever had to fight for something when an important personal value was at stake? How did it feel to fight for something that truly mattered to you? Think of the battles you may have in your life right now. Choose one you feel strongly about and consider how you might approach it in an effective way, then release those lesser battles.





Demand Better for Yourself


Responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for you; it means learning to respect and use your own brains and instincts.

—Adrienne Rich, poet



You may notice you sometimes apologize for feeling a certain way or for expressing how you feel. You may also notice you try to take up as little space in the world as possible, that you’re overly afraid of bothering other people or of being a burden. You may avoid asking for help because you don’t want to trouble anyone. You may not report poor service or ask for a refund because you don’t want to seem rude or pushy. You may let people borrow things or you share your possessions to the point that you no longer get to enjoy them. You may feel uncomfortable with receiving gifts while being overly generous in giving them. All these traits are manifestations of holding yourself in low regard, of a lack of love for yourself, and you should be on the lookout for these behaviors. When you notice you’re giving all of yourself away without receiving anything in return or you’re apologizing for who you are, immediately begin to correct in the direction of higher self-regard. Demand better for yourself in all circumstances and you will find that you feel deserving of better.

TAKING ACTION

Think of a situation in your life that triggers nervousness or discomfort for you. Is it returning a poorly cooked meal at a restaurant? Saying no to something that exhausts you? Do one thing today to demand better treatment for yourself.





Let Frustration Be Your Fuel


I decided one day that I did matter, and the negative, hurtful ideals about who I am did not. If I wanted to love the person, body, and life I saw in the mirror, I had to stop internalizing the hatefulness of the world around me and start demanding that the world accepted my disability and personhood.

—Vilissa K. Thompson, disability advocate



Life may have dealt you a difficult hand in one way or another. Maybe you weren’t born into a situation of privilege, or maybe you inherited a set of challenges over which you had no control. Maybe that feels unfair or makes you angry. If that’s the case, let your frustration take you to new heights. Instead of turning inward and punishing yourself, channel your dissatisfaction into your work and personal life. Let your sense of injustice lead you to change your situation rather than resigning yourself to negativity. In order to love yourself, you cannot discount your feelings or decide to remain stuck in a situation that perpetuates low self-esteem. Self-love demands that you take all your pent-up energy and do something constructive with it. You have a right to shine as a person! You are entitled to make something of yourself, no matter your background.

TAKING ACTION

You most likely have something in your life that’s made things difficult to one degree or another. Maybe you didn’t have a lot of money growing up or you belong to a minority group. Maybe you have a disability or a chronic illness. The same things that make your life difficult are what make you unique as a person. Name some ways you can reframe your difficulties as positive powers. Use your frustration with these challenges to motivate you toward a change in perspective—and possibly a change in how you tackle life.





Release Your Guilt


An ethic built on caring strives to maintain the caring attitude.…The source of ethical behavior is, then, in twin sentiments—one that feels directly for the other and one that feels for and with that best self.

—Nel Noddings, feminist educator and author of Caring: A Relational Approach to Ethics and Moral Education, second edition, updated



If you struggle with self-love, you may feel guilty about certain things. Maybe you feel bad for buying yourself a new pair of shoes, taking a long lunch break, or reading an entertaining but not necessarily esteemed novel. Guilt can be triggered needlessly or habitually when no actual wrong has occurred. It is a heavy yet sneaky emotion that creeps in solely to make you feel bad. Although guilt is sometimes necessary to keep the ego in check, a lot of the time it has less benevolent intentions. A part of loving yourself means letting go of unwarranted guilt. You owe it to yourself to extend the same courtesy to your own person that you would extend to others. If you wouldn’t begrudge something to someone else, you shouldn’t begrudge that same thing to yourself.

TAKING ACTION

Take a few minutes now for a simple meditation exercise for expelling guilt. Sit in a comfortable, quiet spot and focus on lengthening your breath, inhaling and exhaling fully. Feel your belly expand with each inhalation and contract with each exhalation. Each time you inhale, imagine your life force is being renewed and that greater love is coming to you. Each time you exhale, imagine you are releasing your feelings of guilt. Picture the guilt as a tangible thing being forced out of your body. Practice this meditation for at least five to ten minutes.





Push Your Limits


Don’t limit your challenges. Challenge your limits.

—Jerry Dunn, marathoner



To love yourself fully, you must honor your inner need, your natural drive, to expand your potential. Think of sports like mountaineering or race car driving. Reason alone can’t explain why such sports even exist—they certainly aren’t practical or necessary—but they do exist because they appeal to our inner need to go beyond the previously attainable. You don’t need to take such big risks to partake in the human desire to push beyond limits. You can love yourself more fully simply by pushing yourself to do your own absolute best. To avoid perfectionism, concentrate on one specific area of your life and make it something you can control, something that doesn’t depend on a lot of outside factors. Set as your goal only one thing: to do better than you did before at that task. You can choose the benchmark that makes the most sense to you but make it something that will take time to achieve. When you push past your own limits, you gain a better sense of what you can achieve, and by intentionally giving yourself these wins, you restore a sense of faith and confidence in yourself.

TAKING ACTION

Choose a concrete way you can push past your own limits, something like improving your 5K time, making a certain number of sales calls, or writing for a certain amount of time each day. Make your goal higher than what you’ve done before but not so high that it feels daunting or impossible. Today, simply reflect on and write down your goal. Tomorrow, start making it happen.





Trust in Others


If one thinks of oneself as free, one is free, and if one thinks of oneself as bound, one is bound. Here this saying is true, “Thinking makes it so.”

—Ashtavakra Gita, 1:11



You hold within your own heart the keys to the life you want. You have brilliant ideas and talents. The trouble lies in hiding your gifts from the world, in not trusting people to treat you fairly or act kindly toward these special parts of yourself. The path to self-love lies in opening yourself to others, in believing the world can be fair. You’ll be able to show up for the people in your life on deeper levels and nurture stronger connections that feed your heart and soul. As you trust more in those around you and build more fulfilling relationships, you will also cultivate more confidence in yourself, both in the ways you can be of service to others and through the connections that lift you up. Today you can trust that, when you put yourself out into the world with faith, others will come alongside you to support your endeavors. No matter the disappointments of the past, know that your cocreators are waiting for you, wanting to take part in your initiatives and bring them through to completion.

TAKING ACTION

Are you having trouble trusting someone in your life? If you feel like the relationship is worth holding on to, try giving that person the benefit of the doubt. Either mentally or out loud, commit to giving the relationship a reset. Forget about the past and move forward with a fresh start.





Try a Little Introspection


It’s weird, you get to a certain point in your life where it becomes clear what you love about life, what you really enjoy about life and what you don’t.…So you just lean into stuff that you like. It’s about finding joy in life.

—David Arquette, actor



Picture a big, tangled ball of yarn. That’s what the self is like. It’s a mess of different strands—thoughts, emotions, memories, all the mental aspects of yourself—going here, there, and everywhere. To untangle the yarn, to understand yourself, you have to follow the threads through your heart and mind. At the same time, you may not have access to the whole tangle at once; you have to follow the threads that are available to you. You have to take what you do know and use that to find your way through the unknown parts of yourself. An important part of loving yourself involves this self-exploration, learning the ins and outs of your own personality and motivations so that you can build more confidence in these different elements of yourself. The work of introspection gives you tremendous emotional intelligence that you can use to understand yourself and ultimately your whole world. Then you’ll be better prepared to live the life that gives you the greatest satisfaction.

TAKING ACTION

Today, make some lists to better capture what it’s like to be you. To start your introspective journey, try beginning with these prompts: “The five most important things in life to me are…,” “The five activities that bring me the most joy are…,” and “It really bothers me when people do these five things…”





Find Your Balance Between Sociability and Solitude


What I am dealing with over and over is having your ease in the world pulled out from under you, because I don’t feel easy in the world. The flip side of that, the positive side of that, is that it makes a clearing where you can see the world with fresh eyes, see the world with a sense of wonder.

—Judy Fiskin, photographer



Most of us have had the feeling that we don’t belong at one time or another, like we’re not part of the in-crowd or not really like other people. This kind of social disconnect may become a source of low self-esteem if left unchecked. On the other hand, if you’re constantly forcing yourself to socialize and connect with others, it can build up a belief that a need for solitude is not okay and therefore there might be something “wrong” with you for feeling exhausted after an event or meetup or for simply wanting some time to yourself. You may find yourself alternating between the need to be around other people and the desire for solitude, and neither path is innately right or wrong. What is important is feeling like you’re getting what you need from life. If you’re feeling deprived of either social or alone time, find a way to get what you need, if only for a few minutes per day. For a more introverted person, sitting in a public place like a park or a restaurant can be people time, while for an extrovert that same activity could count as solitude. Wherever you fall on that spectrum, make sure you strike a balance that feels right for you.

TAKING ACTION

Are you feeling like you need to be around people more often, or perhaps like you need more time to yourself? See if you can take at least a few minutes today to push yourself in the direction your internal needs are pulling you toward.





Take a Midday Reset


Better do your own task imperfectly than do another’s well. Better die in your own duty. Another’s task brings peril.

—Bhagavad Gita, 3:35



A simple strategy that you can use to manifest more self-love is to take a midday reset. Sometimes a day just goes off the rails: you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, spill your coffee on yourself, or the day just generally feels negative. It’s enough to shake your confidence and doubt your life. In the middle of the day, pause to have some sustenance and do some deep breathing. Then say to yourself, “I love you, no matter what happens today. I love you, no matter what you accomplish or don’t accomplish today.” When you return to your work or personal life, attend to things with this unconditional acceptance of yourself. You’ll find some of the pressure has been released and you’re able to relax a little more.

TAKING ACTION

See if you can identify a time when you can take a few minutes for yourself in the middle of the day. Maybe you can take five minutes on your lunch break or in between errands. You can sit in your car or your house if you like—you just need a few quiet minutes to do your own midday reset. If not today, put it on your schedule for tomorrow.





Steer Your Inner Landscape


Teach her to reject likeability. Her job is not to make herself likeable, her job is to be her full self, a self that is honest and aware of the equal humanity of other people.

—Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, author of Dear Ijeawele, or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions



You have come to the end of a long day. Your body feels tired, and your mind is